Well okay. I finally moved to this city here to study "something with media". Is a bit of fun, but in the end it's what i want- i hope.

When i first arrived here it was really great. I lost about 6 pounds because i didn't feel well. I felt sick to be in this crap new city and i couldn't eat that much. I could see my abs, damn good feeling.
But then i started to feel better an put on weight.

At the moment i am a "normal stage" where i can hold my weight, but anyway, i'll try to loose some more 4 the summer.

I've a loooooot of problems to find a girlfriend, the girls kinda don't even look at me, cuz i am to fat??
Probably because i am just not smart or handsome enough. Damn it. Hate my genes.

Weeeheeelllll, accepted by an university. Jepp. In it. Yiiiha. Okay.

New thing happens with me. I am not hungry anymore. I have no clue why. I am doing my regular workouts and lie in the sun as usual. But i am not hungry. It takes me some affort to put a piece of cheese in me, that my stormach has smth to do. Well, i don't hope that my ED comes back again. Just put on some flesh, and i don't think it looks bad at all.
I don't wanna have a girlfriend right now which makes the whole situation a lot more simple.

But hell, it's DAMN difficult to eat smth if you're not hungry. Well, lets see how long it takes :-)

I think, i am over it. That's it. No more girlfriend, even if it was such a nice relationship. Has a new boyfriend after two moth of our relation. It seems, that i was very important 4 her. And even if she smashed it all up, she still says that i am the one who actually broke up. I mean, i would have been never able to break up, because i REALLY LOVED her. Not just said, i did. But nohooo. Okay. No i stand in the rain like every damn time after such a bullshit and hate myself 4 something whats not my fault.

Dear Life, fuck u right up!

But as i said at the beginning, i am over it. My disorder. I always thought, the last two years that i am, but i wasn't. All the day i thought about my body, what to eat. Then came a binging here and there, a deep depression and so on.

Now, the last three weeks, that was GONE!!!!! Not that i didn't care any more about how i look, but the others didn't interest me anymore. What they think about my belly and stuff.
It is an undescribable feeling. Okay, at least it's a result of hate. I was so deep in the feeling of hate myself, the world, life. Wanted to finish it all. It all seemed loveless. But then i finally stopped. That's it.

Since then i do my regular workout but just 4 me and nobody else. I don't care, how the fuck Brad Pitt looks. Damn. I am different, end of discussion. And it's to hard. Always fighting with myself is making me sick!

If the others think that i am too fat, well, so it 'll be. Congrats. But shut up and go ur own damn way, Mr Perfect.

I stopped the war with me and the food, lets see how long it goes well.

Hell. Had a binge dream tonight. Woke up absolutely full.

Was at a 1 1/2 hour workout yesterday and had about 2000 cals. I think i'll hold that level, losing weight pretty fine.
My problem is, i gettin afraid of food again. Can't do anything about that. So i've to force myself to eat smth. Have been over it. Comes just right back again. Having an empty stomach feels so good. But i need food, to i've to close my eyes and go through.

No muscle pain after my yesterday's workout, which makes me a bit sad, because I put a lot of effort in it. Well, next time.

Tomorrow i've to go back in my boarding school, last two weeks 4 EVER. 4 Years i've been there, and it kinda sucks. I'm nearly over it! YEAH! Damn it, feels so good.
My math exams on thursday scare my like hell cuz i can't it in any way. Since i first seen math, i just don't get it. Well, i just need the minimum score to pass.

See what today brings.

'll go to gym this afternoon again, even if i go directly in over-training. The crap is, that the friend of my mother fuckin scares me. And always when i am not looking. It happend again just a few ours ago. This guy lives in our house since three years AND I STILL DON'T KNOW THAT ASS.
My mother doesn't change anything about that. I talked with her about it the damn last two years. Today i said that i'll definitely move out. I feel so bad about it, cuz i love her. Dear, it's my mom. But it's enough. I am bloody fucked up to be scared in my own home.

TRAINING ARGH!!!

Been running, but not for long.
Just 20 minutes. But i won't eat anymore tonight.
Have a cup of tea and a little TV.

See what tomorrow brings.

Well, checkout this online booklet.
Hopefully I'll achieve my aim faster, if I know someone has the same to go through.

The body i dream of is definitely Brad Pitts. Man, who doesn't like such a body.

Today I ate a lot, far to much. About 3400 cal. A wholegrain bread with cheese. A baked fish. Two bowls of cereals (~700cal.) And a few sweets (~500 cal.)

I'll go running tonight. Burn around 500 - 1000 cal. With a few sprints in it.
I'll get me there.
My actual weight is 82 Kg with a height of 181cm.

Dreamweight: 70 kg